My Brain Scratching Affair With Disney Movies Presents: Cinderella (VII)

As I’ve previously written in the first installment of this series-long ‘editorial’ (if you will), the following posts are created to air out more or less, ‘adult’ grievances and flush out underlying (as well as obvious) themes that I’ve found while watching these childhood movies over again.

*Please Note: I do not ‘blame’ Disney for any of my findings, as these are films based on very old fairy tales, however, as Disney animated them I will continue to say ‘Disney’ as a reference. **Also, not all cartoons animations of childhood fairy tales were the brain child of Disney, so I will attribute the production companies accordingly.*

After a very long break, I’ve decided to return to my wonderful franchise with the ever-shallow Disney flick, Cinderella.

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So the first question I had, after looking back at the film, was why didn’t Cinderella’s dad have a will? For a man who cared sooo much for his little girl — and had to endure the death of his own first wife — how could be be so careless? Yes, I can grasp the fact that maybe life insurance policies didn’t exist, but the WILL has been around since the dawn of time. What would’ve happened if Daddy Rella died  before he married Lady “Bitch Face” Tremaine? Cindy would’ve just became a penniless ward of the state. Daddy missed the ball on that one.

Next, Cinderella was better than most children, because I couldn’t understand how she could stand years of mental and physical abuse. I mean, first she got kicked out of her nice room — and we still don’t know what it was turned into — forced to live in an attic, and then do ALL the housework?  She didn’t have a third cousin on her mother’s side to run away to? If I were Cindy, the first thing I would’ve done was moved out of the place and moved in with a close friend of the family or something. Make a living out of cleaning and singing and do the damn thing.

Third, who the hell is Lady Tremaine’s baby daddy?

 

I love how every single Cinderella movie leaves out any kind of back story of her previous husband/baby daddy. Did he divorce her? Was he even a Lord to give her a lady title? Did she kill him for the money and then moved on to her next target?

And just how did Cinderella’s pops died?

I smell foul play — especially from Lady “Bitch Face” Tremaine.

Also,  why was it that the ONLY animals that could coherently talk in Cinderella were the mice? We can understand everything they say, but Bruno was left to grunt and growl like a regular dog, the birds had to chirp their words, Lucifer meowed, etc. Did Disney just run out of money to hire actors to speak for them?

And what about all this baby fever the King had?

If he wanted a baby around so much, why didn’t he just remarry (what the hell happened to his wife in the first place? Disney and these damn “dead wives”!) and have a baby of his own. He was freaking KING. He definitely could’ve done that. His eldest son still would’ve been his successor and when he croaked, he could leave his new wife to raise to new prince/ss.

Oh, and please let’s not get me started with the fact that Anastasia and Drizella were so ugly, they couldn’t have even been drawn to look like humans…

They look like straight cartoon characters — no bust, half-moon eyebrows, the works. Furthermore, their dad must’ve been one unattractive dude to produce THOSE faces. That’s probably why Bitch Face killed him. #ISaidIt Side note: who names their child “Drizella”? You know what, let me leave that alone because people name their children worse…

Another thing that killed me was Cinderella’s shoe being able to fit only HER foot.  You mean to tell me, that not one OTHER person in that entire kingdom was a size 4 1/2?!

Furthermore, who the eff uses a shoe as a means for identification?! Like come on, the prince can’t be that dumb. Why didn’t he round up all the blondes in the kingdom between 5′ and 5’5″ and then work from there? So you mean to say if a red-head or a girl with a pixie cut fit the shoe, then that was the girl from the ball? If I was Cinderella, I would’ve been offended. This dude thought she was SO beautiful, but couldn’t remember her features enough to have a sketch artist draw a photo so he can send his goons out to search for her. Laziness… and straight disrespectful.

Now here we go with the thematic portion of today’s head scratcher:

Theme One: You Need to Know Who You’re Marrying

Cinderella’s dad made the ULTIMATE mistake when he didn’t check who the hell he was marrying before bringing Lady BF Tremaine into his house with her two fugly children. Yeah, he thought he was bringing in mother figure for his daughter, and thought she’d be compassionate because she has kids of her own. Yeah, NO! This is a culture of #TeamMe and he should’ve known better to think that that woman would ever consider Cindy as a part of her family. Furthermore, Cinderella should’ve probably thought twice about marrying Prince Charming. If he couldn’t even remember what she looked like, can you imagine what else you would forget? Can you imagine if Cinderella went missing? He would probably have to give the guards her shoe to place on all the dead bodies in the kingdom to see if she was dead too.

Theme Two: Parents Need to Invest in Life Insurance

I know for a fact my own mother is scared poopless of the term life insurance because it really should be called “in case of death” insurance. But guess what? When you have children, and early deaths run in the family, your behind needs to make sure you have something saved away for your kids’ future. If Cindy’s dad thought more about making sure she was taken care of and less about bringing another female into his house, he would’ve written a will saying that Cindy got EVERYTHING and that Lady T was only there to supervise until Cindy got to marrying age. Then, Lady T could marry her off to the first thing that batted his eyes at Cindy and then she could’ve paid that dowry off, sell the house, and found herself an even richer man… to later kill and inherit his fortunes.

Theme Three: Slave Labor Can Exist in Your Own Home

Cinderella basically ran that house — cleaning, cooking, window washing, tending to the animals, etc. with no pay, no guarantee to her home, nothing. Basically for free. Out of the goodness of her heart, but more so because she was abused. In the beginning of the movie the say that she was treated terrible and humiliated, which means to me they probably broke her like a slave. Yup. Cindy was a slave in her own home. The only thing missing in a cotton field and a whip in Bitch Face’s hand.

Theme Four: Mice Are Still Creepy Ass Pets

I was never a person for mice as pets. They’re small, they get into everything, they breed quickly, they carry diseases, they eat everything… they’re just kinda gross. And the fact that they SPOKE in this movie creeped me out even further and resolved me to the notion that they’re just creepy ass animals.

 

Theme Five: Make Sure You’re Really Over Your Clothes Before You Throw Them Away

One of the scenes that really disturbed me in this movie was the scene where Anastasia and Drizella ripped apart Cinderella’s dress that used a COUPLE scraps from the sisters’ old clothes. I don’t know about you, but it always made me feel dirty… almost like a rape scene. I almost thought they were going to leave her naked on the floor with Bitch Face smiling in the corner. But this just makes my point that you should always make sure you’re really ready to throw your clothes away before you do. These girls really weren’t over their items like they thought they were — or maybe they were just jealous it looked nicer on Cindy than on them. Either way, they weren’t down with Cindy’s rat and bird friends upcycling their scraps to make her a half-way decent dress. So, before you dump away your old clothes, make sure you’re really over them. You never know what gems you could be missing.

Theme Six: Godparents Can Be Really Great in a Pinch

If it wasn’t for Cinderella’s fairy godmother, she probably would’ve just offed herself in that fountain when those skeezers ripped up her dress. But Ms. Bibbity Boppity Boo came and gave her a new dress, pumps, a fresh hairdo, and transportation, and that really made me appreciate having god parents. They’re purpose is to basically help the child when the parent can’t and in this case, Cindy needed all the help she could get. So make sure to show your god parents tons of love. You never know when you’d need them to spot your five bucks for cab fare.

 

Theme Seven: Don’t Let a Man Get You Sprung

If it wasn’t for Cinderella acting all sprung about the Prince when she heard he was looking for her, she probably could’ve avoided that whole being locked in her room waiting for the mice to save the day thing. But her head was so far up in the clouds, she didn’t have enough sense to play it cool and strategize getting out of her in-house slavery. That’s a lesson to you ladies — don’t get so hung up on a man, that you lose all sense and reason and then find yourselves in trouble you could’ve easily avoided.

Theme Eight: Be Nice to Everyone Because You Never Know When They’ll Be Rich Enough to Help You

One, if not the BIGGEST lessons learned from Cinderella is the idea that you should always be nice to people, no matter how much you really dislike them. Hear me out: Cinderella had a beautiful voice, right? If Lady Tremaine had invested money into Cindy being musical, she would’ve had the best singer of the kingdom bringing in suitors (and their money) into that house. As a matter of fact, if Bitch Face treated Cinderella with an OUNCE of niceness, got Cindy a dress for the ball, and let the prince play with her feet, then Cinderella just might have moved the whole damn family into the castle. Instead, she wanted to be a stingy prude. And what did it get her in the end? An old rickety house and two daughters no one wants to marry. Boom.

Theme Nine: No One Likes a Nasty Pussy

I will end this post with the most gratifying scene in this entire movie — Lucifer the Cat’s death. That was the nastiest cat I’d ever seen in my life and I genuinely hated him. When he fell from the tower of the house to his horrific death, I was happy. Pleasantly happy. He caused trouble for Cinderella, he tried to eat her mice friends, he got Bruno in trouble. He was just Damien re-incarnated into a cat. And no one like a nasty cat. Now, if you want to take that heading to mean something else, you can very well do so because I’m all for double entendres and in this movie, it definitely applies.

Channing Tatum Is No Gambit [Nerd Girl Corner]

‘A lo ladies and gents!

Today, I’ve decided to tap into my inner “Nerd Girl” and get all in my feelings about some news I heard earlier this week. As some of you should know, FOX is releasing X-MEN: Days of Future Past next month and it’s said that this may open the gateway for a sequel, X-MEN: Apocalypse. Now I’m all for an X-Men movie. I already watched five out of six of them (I still haven’t watched the Wolverine sequel even though people say it’s better than the first Wolvy movie), but here’s where things start to leave a bad taste in my mouth: Channing Tatum recently revealed (at the 2014 MTV Movie Awards) that he spoke with one of the X-Men producers about the role of Gambit — the Cajun-accented, card-tossing, stick-wielding, charming Southern boy who joins the team and ultimately becomes the love interest for power-draining, Rogue.

Take a minute to digest that this:                                        Wants to play this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK. So, some of you out there are probably all: “we don’t see the problem” or “um, Channing is so hot?” right? Fine. I give you that. Channing is appealing to the eye, but guess what? Gambit’s not only an athletic pretty boy. He’s also a charmer. And you normally have to TALK to charm a person… so that means Gambit will have to SPEAK and the person playing him will in turn have to ACT. Do you see where I’m going with this now? Not yet? OK, let me spell it out for you:

CHANNING CAN’T ACT THIS ROLE.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of roles that Channing can do. Just not this one. For one, he’d have to undergo serious training to nail that Cajun accent, which is pretty damn pivotal to Gambit’s character. Two, he’d need to learn how to obtain that Tom Hiddleston level of “suave” that is almost natural in order to fill Gambit’s shoes.  And three, after the bland Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) that we first met in the X-Men Origins: Wolverine, we need a MASSIVE upgrade to make things right in the world.

So, who would I choose?

If I had my way, I’d probably go with Norman Reedus of Walking Dead. Norman’s “Daryl Dixon” already has  that bad ass, I’ve-done-shady-things-but-I’m-a-good-guy-at-heart thing going for him, PLUS he’s already got a Southern accent down, so getting it Cajun-fried wouldn’t be too much to do. He’s pretty athletic and lots of women find him sexy.

There’s also the possibility of casting an unknown who is looking for the right character to shoot them to film stardom. If the Batman vs. Superman movie can go ahead and get a moderately well-known actress to play le EPIC Wonder Woman, an unknown with great acting skills can totally do Gambit.

The sucky part about all of this is that it almost seems like Channing’s got this one in the bag. His endless connections to the role (speaking with the producer about it, the producer thinking of him for the role when they didn’t write the character in yet, yada yada yada) makes this a sweet deal too good to pass up, so soon enough we’ll see him Channing all over Gambit’s Tatum.

I’m not one to really bash and actor and like I said, Channing is good for the roles that he’s good for. But this one just ain’t it. Then again, who knows he just might not get the role, or if he does, he might make me change my mind about him.

Or…

maybe not.

I’m done ranting for the night, but let me know how you feel about it — do you want to see Channing or do you think someone’s better? Who would you pick to be Gambit? Tell me all about it in the comments or on le Twitter!

x Nerd Girl Out x

 

 

What I’m Diggin’ And Why You Should Be Diggin’ It Too — Flashback Edition

‘A lo, ladies and gents!

I’m back again when another installment of all the things I’m diggin’ and why you should be diggin’ them too. But for tonight, I’ve decided to go back in time into yesteryear when TV was a lot simpler and list some (yes, not all) of the TV shows that are currently in syndication years after they’ve been cancelled that I still watch.

Hey, great TV is great TV — no matter how old it is, how young you were when it came out, or how old the actors on it are.

So, first on my list of “Flashback TV” to watch:

The Golden Girls

Synopsis: “Four previously married women live together in Miami, sharing their various experiences together and enjoying themselves despite hard times.”

Status: In syndication on Hallmark Channel, Lifetime Channel

Why I’m Diggin’ It: What is not to love about four witty old broads — Dorothy, Blanch, Sophia, and Rose — talking about life, love, and sex while eating cheesecake? I wasn’t old enough to know and appreciate this show when it was around, but as an adult I can laugh along with every single joke, or sympathize with almost every situation (except for the hot flashes — I haven’t reached there yet). With that said, the show is a true testament to “things that never get old.” And the best part? If this show is still around when I turn 50, I’ll have something on TV catering to my age demographic!

Bottom line: If you loved Sex and the City, this show is basically Carey Bradshaw and the gang much older and living under one roof.

Next up…

Martin

Synopsis: “The random misadventures of Martin Payne, an abrasive, loud-mouthed (though somewhat insecure) Detroit talk show host and his assortment of friends and enemies.”

Status: In syndication on Centric TV, MTV 2

Why I’m Diggin’ It: It’s rare these days to have television shows about nothing in particular… while still being entertaining. Martin was a product of the era in TV where we followed peoples’ lives set in motion by creative writing and exceptional comedic timing. Not to mention, star Martin Lawrence played a solid EIGHT characters during the show’s run, including titular character Martin Payne. Each character was well-developed and distinct and at times, you forgot it was actually Martin! This show is guaranteed to give me a belly full of laughs every time I watch.

Bottom Line: If you’re looking to catch Martin Lawrence at his ABSOLUTE funniest, do yourself the favor and watch this show.

Finally,

The Cosby Show

Synopsis: “The goings-on in the life of a successful African American family.”

Status: In syndication on Centric TV, TV Land, Nick at Nite

Why I’m Diggin’ It: Is that really a questions? The synopsis says it all. Cliff was a doctor, Claire was a lawyer, they lived in a brownstone in Brooklyn, NY with five children. Yeah, that may sound boring, but this show had it ALL — comedy, drama, social awareness — without being overbearing and preachy. With all the things this family had going on, I wanted to be a Huxtable.

Bottom line: If you want to watch quite possibly the best family sitcom of our time that probably opened the door for other shows like it, watch it. Nothing beats the original.

I just had to…

If you don’t know what this is, you should Google and/or YouTube                 “Gordon Gartrell”

And for honorable mention…

Living Single

Synopsis: “Lives of several single male and female roommates and friends in the 90’s Brooklyn, New York.”

Status: In syndication on We TV and Logo

Why I’m Diggin’ It: There was the sexpot workaholic, the jazz-singing stock broker, the stylish man hunter, the tomboy journalist, the loveable goofy ball actress, and the wisdom-filled handyman. All living in an apartment building in Brooklyn, NY. Growing up, they had the kind of lifestyle and friendship I could only dream of having as an adult.

Bottom Line: If you like Sex and the City, but want a little more comedy in your diet, Living Single goes down smooth.

And that’s what I’ve got for this week’s Flashback edition. Tune in next week to see if your show tops my list, and remember if you’ve got any suggestions, feel free to send them my way.

Until then,

Are you already a fan? Let’s chat about it in the comments and connect on Twitter to live-tweet the next episode!

 

What I’m Currently Diggin’ — And Why You Should Be Diggin’ It Too!

Here’s the deal:  I’ve been told that I watch way too much TV — and it’s partially true. I watch quite a few shows, but the only problem is that I tend to watch things that not a lot of my pals are into. And it’s pretty damn frustrating when I’m ready to go head first into my theories, likes, dislikes, etc., and I find there’s no one around to speak to. Le sigh. So, why is it that I’m the lone viewer in my crew? This can be one of two reasons: either I’m just very open-minded when it comes to TV (aka “weird”) or my friends/fam just don’t get why I’m into these shows.

Well ladies and gents, today is your LUCKY day! I’ve decided that I’m going to put you guys on to a series of shows that I’m diggin’ and that you could to like too. Now I figure that my list today may or may not strike a chord in some of you, so I intend to do this every week until I’ve found some kindred spirits. Oh, and it won’t just be TV shows either, but for right now, we’re gonna start things off a little light.

So, what shows am I going to talk about first? Let’s just see, shall we:

The Blacklist (Mon. 10 p.m. ET on NBC)


Synopsis: “Former government agent Raymond “Red” Reddington (James Spader) has eluded capture for decades. But he suddenly surrenders to the FBI with an offer to help catch a terrorist under the condition that he speaks only to Elizabeth “Liz” Keen (Megan Boone), a young FBI profiler who’s just barely out of Quantico. “

Status: Currently in Season 1

Why I’m Diggin’ It: First and foremost, the show’s star, James Spader, is the freaking man. I don’t care how much weight he’s gained, or how much hair he’s lost. There’s something about this guy’s caliber of acting that just makes you all tingly when you see it in action. When James talks, it just demands your attention and his role as the ever-conniving informant is quite possibly one of the best things I’ve seen on TV.

Bottom line: If you like shows with characters that are masters of manipulation, then you’ll enjoy this.

Next up… 

Grimm (Fri. 9 p.m. on NBC)


Synopsis: “A homicide detective discovers he is a descendant of hunters who fight supernatural forces.”

Status: Currently in Season 3

Why I’m Diggin’ It: I think my feelings on this show have been made quite clear by this point, but what I absolutely love about this show is that it’s got cop action, family drama, and a unique take on the characters of the Grimm’s fairy tales. It’s fantasy without being too over-the-top, while simultaneously not taking itself too serious. Every week there’s something new, while staying true to the core of the show and that to me makes for fun TV.

Bottom line: If you like shows that reshape the fairy tales you grew up loving, then you’ll enjoy this.

And finally…

Resurrection (Sun. 9 p.m. on ABC)


Synopsis: “The lives of the people of Arcadia, Missouri, are forever changed when their deceased loved ones return.”

Status: Currently in Season 1

Wouldn’t you want to know why your dead aunt popped up on YOUR doorstep?

 

Why I’m Diggin’ It: This new show kicks off with a little boy named Jacob waking up in China, and ends with us learning that he’s been dead for about 30 years. With every episode seemingly adding another dead loved one returning to their family (or possibly in hiding), this show is interesting to say the least. These walking dead — not like those Walking Dead — are all somehow connected, and the shady Sheriff Fred, his inquisitive daughter, Maggie, and federal agent Marty (Omar Epps) all want to piece the bizarre clues together. Meanwhile, we’re learning that more dead people are coming back and they might not be as friendly as the ones we’ve seen…

Bottom line: If you’re looking to take a chance on a show filled with mystery and head scratching, then you’ll enjoy this.

These are the shows I’ve got so far, but I’ll be back next week with yet another list, but in the meantime I hope you give these shows a shot! If you’ve got some suggestions, be sure to send them my way. Until then,

Are you already a fan? Let’s chat about it in the comments and connect on Twitter to live-tweet the next episode!