I want you, the right way…

 My friends and I were looking for a table to sit at and saw a couple empty chairs at a table off to the corner. We were hungry and didn’t want to miss all the mumbo jumbo speeches about the benefits of higher education.

“That table looks free,” said one girlfriend.

“Shit, I don’t care. I just don’t want to stand and eat,” said the other.

“Let’s go,” I told them.

We walked over to the table to encounter some plates and cups. We thought the previous owners had left, but instead, two guys approached the table.

“Wow, you guys just came in and stole our table,” said one guy. He was cute. When he spoke he looked me in the eye. It was both scary and sexy.

“For real, like how do you hijack a table,” said the other.

“I don’t see your name on it,” I told them, sarcastically rummaging over the table cloth looking for imaginary names.

We all laughed. Then, doing the polite thing, we introduced ourselves.

“I’m L,” I said to him. He stretched out a hand to me.

“I’m %%%. Nice to meet you,” he said. Again, looking me in the friggin eye. I’ve always had a problem looking people in the damn eye. And I’ve always had a problem with not seeming awkward around guys. He knocked me off my tough broad game instantly.

We listened to the orientation, though %%% and I shared a couple of glances back and forth.

If I had only knew, that would be the beginning of the end…

I want you, but I want you to want me too

All of us walked in the rain that evening. He and I slowed down and shared an umbrella behind the others who were scurrying to the nearest station. It so happens that we shared a few things in common. This made us laugh and smile and he had these plump luscious lips for a guy. His companion got annoyed that we were talking to each other and split us apart. My friends made jokes about us marrying after only hours of meeting. But we both knew there was some chemistry there, and pursued it.

We spoke over the phone and emailed a lot. I was a bit of a traditionalist in that regard. If it wasn’t too old-fashion, I’d probably still write letters to guys and let the anticipation build waiting for a response. Either way, we kept in contact and made arrangements to meet up after school.

On one occasion, we met and went for a stroll until we hit a cafe. I had a cup of juice and he had a bowl of fruit.

“Do you know how to kiss?” he asked me.

Uh, yeah? “Yes,” I told him.

“Show me.” He placed a strawberry between his fingers. I proceeded to lean slowly toward the fruit and as gracefully (and sexily) as I could, I opened my mouth and wrapped my lips around the fruit, biting into it. He had this look on his face as though he didn’t expect me to go through with it, but I followed through. We moved on to several other pieces of fruit until finally, he pulled me into him and kissed me. His mouth tasted sweet and smelled of cantaloupe and honey dew and mangoes.

“That was very good,” he said to me. I smiled. And then we kissed again.

I’ll give you all the love, I want in return

After that, we met up whenever we could. He was a bit of a show-off. He had an enormous amount of talent and felt the need to show that off whenever he could. At times I would be annoyed, but at the end of it all, he’d reel it all in and remember I was there. He’d come over and comfort me, kiss me and we’d move on from it.

“You really like him, don’t you?” my best friend asked.

“Yeah, I do.” My heart used to swell at the thought of him. I couldn’t listen to music without thinking of him. I couldn’t look at fruit the same for a while.

And as with any guy I liked, my parents had to meet him, so one afternoon he came home with me. My parents hadn’t come in from work yet, so we watched T.V. to pass the time. I laid on the floor while he sat in the chair.

“Hey,”

“What?”

“What are you doing down there by yourself?”

“Uh, watching tv?” What else was I doing?

“You want company?”

“Sure.”

He slid off the chair and laid next to me. Then, with that “I want you,” look in his eyes, he leaned over and kissed me, slowly shifting his body weight so that I was forced to roll unto my back, with him hovering on top of me. I swear, guys know how to get you underneath them.

“Maybe we shouldn’t…my mom and dad will be in soon.”

“Well then, let’s just enjoy the moment.”

And I did. He laid on top of me and I wrapped my arms around him, inhaling his scent, and kept kissing. I could feel something growing on my leg and that’s when he jerked up.

“I don’t think I want your parents to meet me with this in my lap. Could I use your bathroom?”

“Sure.” I showed him where it was and let him do whatever boy-man things he had to do.

When he was done he came back and sat on the chair. We could hear the outer door slam and our fun time was over.

In minutes, the parents were in, changed and swarming around him like vultures on carrion. By the end of the night they had mixed reviews about him, but nothing too bad for me to stop seeing him. And so I didn’t.

But half a love is all I feel, sweet darling

It became a bit of struggle to see him from time to time. We’d make arrangements and they’d fall through. He’d have to work or something and I would be left feeling as though he didn’t care. It came down to me only seeing him a couple times a month. And it was great when I saw him. We’d kiss and cuddle and he’d sing me to sleep on the rides home and stroke my hair and make me feel loved. But then I wouldn’t hear from him in between the breaks. And the less I heard from him, the more angry and upset I got.

One way love is just a fantasy 

I often imagined that he and I would end up together. That we were heading towards something that was a little beyond like, but not yet love. But then I came to feel that it was just on my part. Then that’s when he told me that because we weren’t ‘together,’ maybe we should see other people.

“I’m getting tired of this.”

“Of what?”

“Of this not knowing what we are.”

“Well, we’re not labeling things.”

“That’s the damn problem! I don’t want to be the girl you just make out with in the back of a movie theater, I want to be a girlfriend!”

“I…I just can’t give you that right now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I can’t.”

“Huh…”

“It’s not that I don’t want to…”

“Then what is it?”

“I just wish…that I had met you before…” What the fuck does that mean?

Don’t you want to care? 

The last time we spoke to each other, he asked me to be his valentine for that dreadful holiday. I agreed. It was nice to finally have a valentine, but we did nothing. He had to work and so I spent the holiday as I did every other year. Alone. A week later I found out he proposed to some other girl. She accepted and now he was going to get married. And of course, he didn’t tell me. I had to learn this through the internet.

You don’t want me no more…

%%%: Hey

L:  Hi.

%%%: So…how are things?

Why the fuck would you ask me that dumb ass question? Really?

L: I’m fine. How’s your fiancee?

%%%: She’s alright. Look, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.

Wow. He’s actually the first to say sorry.

L: Sorry for what? For leading me on, or for not telling me you were engaged?

%%%: I didn’t know what I was feeling, when this was all going on…

And I should give two fucks because….?

%%%: I mean, she and I were on and off and you were just so different…

Ugh.On and off? We were dating on and off for months! This is ridiculous. I can’t…I really can’t.

L: You know what? I don’t want to hear anymore of this. We had fun and I wish you and your fiancee the best.

%%%: Please don’t be mad at me…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

L: If you don’t want me to be mad at you, then I need space. Right now, I don’t want to know you.

%%%: Okay, I understand. I really would like to be friends.

L: That’s not possible at the moment. So…until the next time we speak, have a nice life.

I didn’t speak to him for months. He sent me the wedding invitation in the mail, I guess as a gesture of good faith. I looked at it long and hard, and then tossed it in the garbage. I continued to keep my distance, and moved on with my life. A couple years after, he saw me online and said hi. I responded, but with caution. A friend of mine saw him after that episode with his wife and new baby. He asked her how I’d been. She told him that I was fine and found it weird that he wanted to speak with me. He told her he just missed talking with me.

Funny, he didn’t miss speaking with me when he was about to get engaged.

Don’t play with something you should cherish for life