All is full of love…

Damn this Bjork song.

Is there such as thing as being addicted to wanting love? I know that there are ‘attention-whores’ but are there ‘love-whores’ out there?

You’ll be given love

For a great deal of my life, I’ve wanted to love and be loved. Being that I was the weird ‘odd-girl-out’ it obviously took a long time to start being noticed for the right reasons. When I met &&&, I wanted to love him. Yes, we were young, and our brand of love would’ve been considered puppy, but I wanted it. I wanted it so much that it hurt beneath my skin. I wanted to feel that inexplicable joyous feeling that I read about or heard about in the movies. I wanted to say aloud “yeah that’s my boo,” when he walked by. I wanted him to kiss me before class, and hold my hand when we walked out together. I wanted him to hold me and hug me and tell me I was beautiful. Instead he told me he wanted to fuck me. And my world shattered around him.

You’ll be taken care of  

The days when I was home due to medical reasons, I dreamed that someone would come and sit by my bed. That he’d look into my eyes, as sickly as they were and rub my forehead to soothe me to sleep. When I encountered ^^^, I felt that maybe he would take care of me. Maybe he would love me the way I needed to be love. At least I dreamed about it. I knew it wouldn’t last. It was just a summer. I was just a Summer to him.

You’ll be given love

Was it love when I met ***? He was beyond sweet and the thought of him pulls at my heart. Did I mess up with him? I didn’t trust that it could be love. I didn’t trust, Bjork.

You have to trust it

Well, I didn’t. And I feel at times that I regret not doing so.

Maybe not from these sources you have poured yours…

If not from ***, was it from ###? He loved me right? He told me he did. I told him I loved him. Maybe he did love me. At times I felt that he loved me more that I possibly loved him. Is that what you mean?

He wasn’t a guy I pursued. He pursued me. And he wasn’t my typical ideal guy (though, most times I don’t really have a type).  He was a different kind of love that I experienced. It was new. It was fresh. But it was conditional. It was conditional Bjork! Am I not adequate enough for the unconditional brand of love out there? Am I only to be accepted based on some arbitrary condition which allows them to leave me? Please tell me…

Maybe not from the directions you are staring at…

Maybe our love wasn’t meant to be unconditional. We had our moments. But they didn’t seem to be getting better. It was the right thing to do, to walk away. And as much as it hurt to see him not turn back, maybe it was best that we walked off in our separate directions.

Twist your head around

But there’s no one there. And the loneliness grows day by day. It’s deafening, the silence. The weight of it all. It’s hard to look and see that there’s nothing there.

It’s all around you

I can’t feel it. I often find myself touching my arms at night to curb that need to have someone else touch me. If I pretend my arms are not my own, sometimes I feel that I’m real.

All is full of love…all around you

Yes, all is full of love,  just not around me, but in me. I”m filled to the brim with love to give…

You just ain’t receiving 

I’m not receiving. How can I? But I’m open to it. I am. If I were anymore receptive, I’d receive ghosts, Bjork.

All is full of love

Well where is mine?

Your phone is off the hook

No it’s not. My lines are clear. I’m waiting. I’m waiting for that electrical pulse. That shock. That charge. That spark. The magnetism. Where is it?

All is full of love

Stop telling me that…I know it is, but where is my love? That unconditional kind, where is it?

Your doors are shut

My doors are open. Maybe too open after all I’ve been through. My doors are open. I need the breath of fresh air. I need the sunlight. I need the love to rain to pour down on me and make me feel alive. My arms are outstretched, waiting to be pulled out of this reclusive reverie I’m buried in. Where is this love? Where is he hiding? Tell him to find me Bjork. Tell him.

All is full of love

My heart is aching.

All is full of love

Can someone please fix it?

All is full of love

I’m so all alone…