“You look like…a perfect fit…”

I came across his profile online one night, out of sheer boredom. He was a fellow high school alum who was incredibly smart and just as handsome. I think my new found brazen attitude towards meeting people online was getting the best of me. That or I was just trying to battle my loneliness. Either way, I sent him a message and he responded and we corresponded back and forth.

“Excuse me, missy! Now all of a sudden you’re chasing guys?” said one of my girlfriends.

“No, not chasing guys. I figured I’d just meet up with him. I’d like a friend,” I told her. I meant it. I was lonely. All my friends had moved away to go to school, leaving me and my awkwardness behind.

“Well, he seems like a nice guy. He dated my homegirl in high school,” said the other friend.

“That’s nice. How long did they date?” I asked.

“I think for the whole four years,” she responded.

“Well,” started the first friend, “at least you’ll meet someone new this summer.” I was pretty upset. I hadn’t spoken to *** in ages and both girls were either involved in serious or budding relationships. Even when they came back home, I still managed to be without my companions.

He was doing a summer internship in the city, so we decided to see a movie when he was done for the day. I was cutting it really close that day and reached before any lines could really form. And I saw him for the first time in the flesh: cute, slightly taller, tan, glasses, slight stubble and bright smile. He was so adorable in his nerdy glory.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi!” I said. I think I gave him a big wave.

“I bought your ticket,” he said to me. “We can just go straight in.” I was impressed. Then I realized that he thought I’d be late and was doing the gentlemanly thing. We went inside and watched the film; we laughed when it was appropriate and made the occasional comment to the screen. He poked me, and I poked him back – a game we started online – and I was glad for the physical contact.

Then, he did the most cornball-ish thing: he yawned, stretched and wrapped his arm around me. We both laughed so hard at the sheer lameness of it. But it was sweet. I was slightly cold and he was more than obliging. He smelled incredible. If I could, I would’ve nuzzled his neck the entire time.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

With my head on his shoulder, we watched the rest of the movie. When it was done, we went for ice cream where we talked some more. With our ice cream cups empty, we decided to go home. Not wanting our day to end, I decided to take the long way home to accompany him for as long as I could. When I got out at his stop, he walked with me to the bus and waited with me until one came. Finally the bus came. I hugged him, inhaling his scent one more time, and let go. Of course, when I got home, my girlfriends wanted to know everything:

“So, what happened?”

“We saw the movie and it was FUN!”

“Oh my goodness, did he kiss you?”

“No, but he did the corn ball thing and yawned to wrap his arm around me.”

They laughed over the receiver.

“There was a lot of poking and tickling-“

“Tickling each other?”

“Yeah and oh, he smells good.” I was (and still am) a self-proclaimed ‘cologne whore.’

“Really?”

“Yeah and he’s got some abs on him…when I tickled him…it was like…holy shit what’s that under his shirt, you know?” He was an athlete in high school and carried it over in college. It’s amazing how these tiny framed guys were so well built.

 “Wow.”

“Then we ate Cold Stone and left. I took the long way home and he waited with me at the bus stop.”

“Aw, L, ^^^ sounds really sweet.”

“For a girl in need of a tourniquet” 

 Days and nights were filled with longing and I couldn’t wait until I got to see him again. We made a date to see another movie the following week. This time, I was on time to buy my own ticket. When we got inside and sat down, he put his arm around me and motioned for my hand. I locked hands with his and looked at him. Damn that smile. With his free hand, he tipped my chin up and leaned in for the first of many kisses to come. He would eat peppermints, so when he kissed me, the mint flavor bursted onto my mouth and it was a cooling, sweet sensation.

He then dropped his free hand to mine and placed it on his lap. His arm hugged me closer into him as I stroked his leg, deepening his kiss and taking more of him into my mouth. It felt so good. Between the peppermint lips and the scent of his cologne, I was gone.

We missed a couple or so scenes from the movie (which turned out to be a disaster).

We went for ice cream again and this time, he would tell me there was ice cream on my face just to lean in and kiss me. This was what I wanted. God, this was what I needed.

We saw another movie the following week and made out a lot despite the fact that we were in a packed theater. The wanton behavior of it all was exhilarating and it just made me want him more.

After a while, I felt it was ridiculous that we were going to the movies to meet up, not to mention expensive. I invited him over to my house after work, when no one was home so we would have the place to ourselves. He came in quietly and sat on the couch. I was pretty damn nervous because, well, we were completely alone. Granted, it wasn’t the first time I brought a boy over, but still. He started watching ESPN and I sat next to him. He immediately shifted me on to his lap and rubbed my legs. It felt like we were playing an adult version of “house,” where my doting lover would effortlessly use his adroit hands to massage me.

We sat like that for a while. Ever so often, he’d place his finger under my chin and tip my head back, letting me know that he wanted to kiss me. Then he’d kiss my eyelids and my forehead and I’d feel as though I stole a piece of heaven for the moment. When it got a little late, he got up to leave. I kissed him goodbye and went back to the house, giddy as ever, burying my nose in the couch to take in his scent. Of course my girlfriends needed a debriefing:

“Oh wow…girl, you’re so lucky.”

“Shut up, he did that? Aww…”

“He’s so sweet!!”

“Maybe he’s the right one for you!!”

“But can you save me?” 

He came over several times after that and our hormones began to get the better of us. One time he followed me to the back room where my family kept our extensive DVD collection. Turning around to ask him what film he liked, he picked me up, pinned me to the wall and invaded my mouth in the most sensual of ways. It took me a while to understand what was going on, though my legs instinctively wrapped around him as his hand dropped to the hem of my shirt, going underneath it to fondle my chest. And almost as quickly as it happened, it ended, leaving me all kinds of disoriented.

We began to round several bases during his visits, leading to a moment with him hovering on top of me waiting to hit a home run. I froze. I wanted him, badly, but could I do this? I tried to accept the fact that this thing he and I had would be merely a summer romance, but would sex be a part of it? Could I let sex be a part of this, no strings attached to the Fall?

“I’m not ready,” I told him.

“Okay, no need to rush,” he said to me.

I started to breathe again. The next night he finally met my parents and my sister. They immediately fell for his intelligence and charm, my sister mouthing “he’s cute!” at the dinner table. When it was time for him to leave, I went to retrieve his jacket from my room and he followed me in. He pulled me against him to feel his arousal, spun me around and kissed me so intimately, that his nimble fingers were well received by my body.

“Just let me know when,” he said.

I waited with him for the bus not far from the house. We danced in the street to music he crooned (terribly), like they do in those old 40’s movies, with him dipping me and us laughing. The bus came and he held me tight, kissed me and was off.

The end of the summer was approaching and I wasn’t sure as to what I should do. Everyone had conflicting advice:

“You don’t have to be in love to have sex. If he’s making you all hot and bothered, just get it over with.”

“I don’t know L, I mean, what do you really  know about him? And it’s your body for heaven’s sake.”

“I’d say, do it. Who knows this can be the one for you!!”

Finally some one said: “Ask him if he wants it to go further first.”

And that’s what I did:

L: Hey sweety wassup?
^^^: Nothing much honey. I had a really good time with you last night.
L: Yeah, me too.
^^^: L, I hope you know that I really like you.
L:  I really like you too.
^^^: I’m going to be really honest with you…
L: Yea…
^^^: I want to make love to you.

Holy shit. My jaw dropped and I could feel all of my thoughts going south between my thighs.

L: I really want to make love to you too…but…
^^^: What’s wrong babe?
L: I…want to know where this is going? I mean, it’s been really great and all, but…I just don’t want to give my body away without knowing if it’s really going somewhere, you know?
^^^:  Well, we don’t have to rush into things. We can take our time and see where things go.

I realize now that this wasn’t a real answer, but at the time, anything to keep me from just putting out was acceptable.

“You struck me dumb like radium” 

On his last day before going back to school, I visited the apartment he shared with his mom, aunt and young siblings. They were moving and had everything packed up in boxes and I sat with him folding his clothes into his suitcase. We stole kisses in between it all and when it was time for me to go home, we sat on a bench near the bus stop and I buried my head under his chin. I didn’t want the time to go forward. I was going to miss him so much and I hated the Summer for being just a season.

Fall came around and we barely spoke. We joked about me coming up to his school for a visit. Winter came and we spoke less and less. When he came back, I didn’t get to see him. He and his family went away on vacation. Spring came around and my family and I went away. I thought about him and wondered what he was up to.

When I got back home, however, I was in for the biggest surprise of my life.

“Hey L!!” my friend said over the phone.

“Hey A, wassup,” I said.

“Girl…I got some not so settling news for you.” My heart rate started to pulse.

“What kind of news is this?”

“It’s news about ^^^.” Oh no. “I don’t know how to say this, but…”

I hate when people start sentences like that. Either just say what you have to say or don’t say anything. Don’t tell me you hate to say something. It’s going to affect me. 

“Just spit it out A.”

“Well, you know my friend K right? So…she’s best friends with ^^^’s best friend at school and she told me that dude is a straight up player.”

“What do you mean?” Oh God. This can’t be happening.

” So I was talking to K about you and ^^^ and so K mentioned you to his friend. Girl told K told he has a mousey little girlfriend at school. Super cute, super sweet thing. And apparently he has another girl out there that he messes around with behind his girlfriend’s back. Hold on-“

I wanted to scream, or break something. I couldn’t believe it – I wanted to be with a guy, who was a cheater.

“Hey L? It’s me K.” K got on the line and basically told me everything. How the betrayal of his girlfriend he relayed to me was a crock of shit. The girlfriend who cheated on him was actually the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with. And she left him for his friend, for whatever reasons. K told me about how he charms girls and he usually goes for the same type, how I shouldn’t feel bad about it and should avoid him now that I know the deal.

How could I not feel bad about it? This guy was in my house…my body…my mind. I committed the scent of his cologne to my memory. I wrote several poems about him, I missed him…I wanted him.

“You will come around to save me…”

Summer came and he contacted me. There was a movie he wanted to see and wanted me to come with.

“Don’t do it.” said the girlfriends.

But I was pissed. And I wanted some kind of closure. So I went. He picked up on my stand-offish vibe and jokingly asked me why I was treating him so poorly. I smiled  and innocently shrugged it off. We ended up having to catch a really late showing of the movie and had to kill tons of time. We walked around and found ourselves on a pier. I stood on the barricade admiring the view. I’d never been out that late in my life and I was soaking up every minute of it. He asked for a kiss and in a moment of utter selfishness, I kissed him back.

I knew that he had a girlfriend back at school And I knew that he played me for a fool. But, I wanted to use him for the moment. I wanted to be in control for once and I wanted a moment of happiness, even if it wasn’t real. I held his hand and hugged him and tickled him and touched his abs and bit his lip because I wanted my moment. He didn’t know I knew anything and I wanted to play into his moment of ignorance.

When the movie was over, I didn’t take the long way home. I hugged him and kissed him goodbye. Somehow we both knew that was the last time we would ever see each other. And for the first time since I met him, I wasn’t sad to see him go.

 “from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they can never love anyone.”